Can men and women be just friends?

magissa · Post by **magissa** » Tue May 11, 2004 10:59 pm

Hey guys im spamming every board I can find because I'm a rotten little pig that needs to be put out to pasture!

Grendel · Post by **Grendel** » Tue May 11, 2004 11:02 pm

Looks fishy to me -- no info in the profile, 1st post. I'd say "SPAM"

Sapphire Wolf · Post by **Sapphire Wolf** » Tue May 11, 2004 11:05 pm

The Guy from TGS: Spam'd!

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Tue May 11, 2004 11:09 pm

magissa, please provide us with additional information. Who are you? How are you connected with this study? How did you find out about the DBB? Do you intend to participate in this community more, or are you just here to promote your study? Like Grendel said, it seems kind of fishy when someone shows up out of nowhere, posts a link, and disappears.

Ferno · Post by **Ferno** » Tue May 11, 2004 11:54 pm

I'd say she is the author of the study and was prompted to come here by a friend.

Jeff250 · Post by **Jeff250** » Wed May 12, 2004 12:00 am

It was either this or Street Smarts.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Wed May 12, 2004 12:21 am

I'll wait for her to say that, Ferno.

If she comes back and answers my questions, I'll do the survey. If not, I won't. I don't want to encourage posting to random boards just because they have a lot of people -- but if she has a connection to this community, and is willing to be up-front with us, I have no problem with helping her out.

Tyranny · Post by **Tyranny** » Wed May 12, 2004 1:16 am

Have to admit, this would make a very good E&C discussion. Would atleast be something other then Iraq this, government that, Bush sucks blah blah blah...ugh.

Testiculese · Post by **Testiculese** » Wed May 12, 2004 8:26 am

If you're both ugly, then no, attraction won't get in the way. Otherwise, from one side or the other (usually the male side) attraction exists. Whether it gets in the way is just a matter of how strong said attraction is.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Wed May 12, 2004 10:08 am

... and how strong said people are.

Neo · Post by **Neo** » Wed May 12, 2004 10:33 am

I agree with Testi.

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Wed May 12, 2004 10:34 am

A woman I went to highschool with and I started out as friends. That lasted a coupld of years. Right after graduation, we started dating. That lasted about 4 months. Then we went back to being friends. 20 years later, we are still very close friends.

I believe men and women can be plutonic friends. Attraction may get in the way in the short term (as it did for her and I) but in the long term, it can work. A lot depends though, as Lothar said, on the strength on the two people involved.

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Wed May 12, 2004 10:56 am

strength has nothing to do with attraction being present. it has everything to do with not acting on it, but thats not the question at hand.

MD-2389 · Post by **MD-2389** » Wed May 12, 2004 12:51 pm

If Lothar's question doesn't get answered within 24 hours, I'm killing this thread. The RIAA has pulled this crap before in the past (spamming any popular forums to spread their "views" by making one post and disappearing), and I will not tolerate crap like this being dumped in the Cafe.

Gooberman · Post by **Gooberman** » Wed May 12, 2004 1:17 pm

Attraction may get in the way in the short term (as it did for her and I) but in the long term, it can work.

I guess I will open some worms

I think its even possible to act on that physical attraction and just consider eachother friends.

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Wed May 12, 2004 2:39 pm

this can be a good EnC discussion if you let the thread live, i see no reason to close it right now or in the next 24 hours, but i'm not a mod so...

i think men and women can be plutonic friends just fine if there is an attraction, whether its from one side or both. although it can also crash and burn depending on the circumstances and the willpower of the people involved. take someone who is married but lacks willpower being attracted to a friend for example, alot can go wrong there.

i have a friend that i used to play doctor with when we were little. we met when i was 5 or 6, and we've always been close. i was her first love and she was my first love, but the timing was off. she had feelings for me before i had them for her, and when i had them she'd already moved on. there's a definate attraction, and we're strictly plutonic now even though the physical attraction lingers. i bring this up becuase she was the person i thought of in the second part of the survey. despite this attraction, we both know that theres nothing between us and its only physical. we've been friends for 16 years and never once has it faltered, despite a mutual attraction. so yes, i think plutonic friendships are not only possible but probably somewhat common between two people who are attracted to each other.

i also agree with testi, appearance is everything. how many of you have plutonic friends you arent attracted to? i have some. are they ugly? yes, mine are. or at least not my "type." you arent attracted to someone (unless you're Lothar) because of the way the commutative property rolls off their tongue. the first thing you notice is the way they look and the first thing you think when you see someone for the first time is either "damn!" "she's cute" "ehhh" or "damn?!!?

." an attraction can grow between two people once you get to know them, based on intelligence, humor, money, whatever, but i think this is focused on the physical.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Wed May 12, 2004 2:47 pm

ugh, you actually took the survey? Don't reward spamming, bro.

MD, what I'd recommend is removing the link and moving the thread to E&C. If she comes back and answers questions, she's welcome to re-post the link -- but if not, the link should be gone, but the discussion should remain.

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Wed May 12, 2004 4:42 pm

do we know its spam? what if she's a friend of a DBBer who got pointed here and hasn't read the board since the last time she posted?

regardless of that, i think its an interesting topic and it shouldn't be shot down becuase of the person who started it.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Wed May 12, 2004 4:50 pm

right, so as soon as she posts here to explain herself, we'll recognize that it's not spam, and we'll help her out.

Notice I don't advocate shutting down the topic -- just shutting down the link if we don't get a response from her. If she's a friend of a DBB'er, either her or her friend can tell us and we'll be cool with it. 24 hours should be long enough -- I'd expect any professional researcher asking for help to check back that soon.

roid · Post by **roid** » Wed May 12, 2004 10:24 pm

yeah temporarily kill the link until she proves she's not a spammer.

i think she is a spammer.

but whatever, this topic has good discussion so keep it. no throwing the baby out with teh bathwater

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Wed May 12, 2004 11:28 pm

forgive the D3k in me, but this community can be so full of themselves sometimes

Tyranny · Post by **Tyranny** » Thu May 13, 2004 2:57 am

dying numbers tend to be a bit more protective then those that thrive.

Tricord · Post by **Tricord** » Thu May 13, 2004 4:50 am

It's spam. Check Google:

link dressed to prevent horizontal scrolling

Testiculese · Post by **Testiculese** » Thu May 13, 2004 7:56 am

It's a .edu addy, lighten up..wtf..

Grendel · Post by **Grendel** » Thu May 13, 2004 12:07 pm

Testiculese wrote:It's a .edu addy, lighten up..wtf..

True but I consider it still spam -- unsolicited post asking you to do something. I don't like the practise, if every researcher would do it this way we'd have to start using filters to find real threads.

MD-2389 · Post by **MD-2389** » Thu May 13, 2004 2:35 pm

Lothar wrote:MD, what I'd recommend is removing the link and moving the thread to E&C. If she comes back and answers questions, she's welcome to re-post the link -- but if not, the link should be gone, but the discussion should remain.

Done.

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Thu May 13, 2004 3:51 pm

thanks for not killing the post md.

woodchip · Post by **woodchip** » Thu May 13, 2004 4:57 pm

So has anyone read the revised post she/he made?

Tyranny · Post by **Tyranny** » Thu May 13, 2004 5:25 pm

kur, Lothar wanted him to remove the link to the survey. Not remove the post altogether.

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Thu May 13, 2004 6:17 pm

yeah, but the general attitude from most everyone was more concerned with keeping the post off of the DBB rather than focusing on the conversation a few of us were trying to have on the topic. dirty trolls.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Thu May 13, 2004 8:00 pm

kur, the "I think it's spam" conversation started first. Those of you trying to discuss the actual issue were trolling in and crapping on our thread, not the other way around ;)

Seriously though... you can't fault people for participating in discussion of either the "kill spam" or the "can men and women get along" lines of thought in this thread. Both were valid lines of thought spawned directly by the initial post.

Well... *now* you can fault people if they continue down the "is it spam?" line of discussion -- the google link pretty well cleared that up, and it's been dealt with. So, we've determined it's spam. But let's deal with the initial question -- can men and women just be friends?

Tetrad · Post by **Tetrad** » Thu May 13, 2004 10:39 pm

Best thing IMO would've been to just kill the thread and let people start up another one if they were so inclined. Saying "it might be an interesting topic to discuss" is quite another from actually discussing it.

Regarding the topic at hand, I say no. Unless you're gay.

Tyranny · Post by **Tyranny** » Fri May 14, 2004 12:04 am

Tetrad wrote:Regarding the topic at hand, I say no. Unless you're gay.

lol, this was the first thing that came to my mind as well!

Seriously though, I do believe you can be just friends with women if it is in the context of not actually seeking a "sexual" relationship with them. Most guys are going to have that sexual part in their minds, but like kur said, it's a whole different matter to actually keep from acting on those urges.

From personal experience I'm going to say it's possible. Though, my experience is distorted since I had a long friendship with a couple of lesbians I met while going to college. Even though there was that attraction on my part. Them not being interested in me kind of balanced things out

.

The question should be "Can straight men and straight women be just friends?"

Again I say yes. It takes something special and of course there will be a time of awkwardness in the friendship, but depending on the people it is possible.

I have more I'd like to say on the matter but I've got a splitting headache, it's late and it's becoming a task to focus. So...I'll just have to leave it at this for now.

woodchip · Post by **woodchip** » Fri May 14, 2004 1:45 pm

"I have more I'd like to say on the matter but I've got a splitting headache,"

No doubt from the thumping I gave you

I'd have to say that a level of un-attractiveness may have to be part of the equation for a long term non sexual relationship to occur. With male/female friendship, I think the longer the time span the more likely a sexual interlude will occur.

Flabby Chick · Post by **Flabby Chick** » Sat May 15, 2004 5:05 am

I'm quite surprised at the responces!! I got many female friends, a few of them are considered stunners, and i don't have sexual thoughts about them.

TheCops · Post by **TheCops** » Sat May 15, 2004 6:39 am

it depends on the circumstances and how far you are willing to let your brain go into fantasy land.

i have a friend who i want to tie up and give oral pleasure to until she releases on my face so i can bathe in her womanhood. but she has a boyfriend so she stops it at a certain point, a point that is far beyond acceptable for a woman with a "boyfriend".

i have another friend that i can have lunch with and discuss the politics of relationships, she is just lonely and can't have any of my Grade A american beef. but we rock as friends.

i have another friend who is hot... but she is like a liberalbash. as soon as it becomes fun, sexual, or exciting it gets destroyed by her never ending need to argue... i've lost at least 4 hard ons and counting....

you can be friends... but it ain't easy.

Tyranny · Post by **Tyranny** » Sat May 15, 2004 3:46 pm

Flabby, it also depends on age and whether or not you're already involved.

If you're a young male and single you're more prone to think of women in a sexual way compared to an older man who is married. Well, atleast I hope so